Back then, “powerlessness” best described my experiences with love and dating. The men who were interested in commitment, support, and love, I didn’t find attractive.
My self-esteem was down the tubes, I needed to control everyone and everything in my life. I would attract users, losers, and sometimes emotional abusers. Scared I would lose them, I would compromise my integrity. None of these men actually cared about me, and when it was over, I would feel humiliated for not ending things sooner. They were grown men, with little boy mentalities, playing a game with me that I didn't know I was playing. Thankfully, I lost every single one of them.
GETTING RID OF THE LOSERS, USERS, AND ABUSERS.
These were not the kind of men I envisioned myself with. I got tired of the men with potential. Potential can't do the job. I wanted something more, much more. I wanted a masculine energy man, who was emotionally available, and able to move a relationship forward. I wanted love, real love, deep intimacy and connection, but I was stuck, and I didn't know how to get there.
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